With these skills, they can study, graduate, and move on to high-paying careers. Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. I just didn’t realize it at the time. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. I was all over it—that is until I entered into a wonderful relationship and became financially dependent. There is no denying that fact. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. My husband saved more than half of that amount. These are difficult questions to answer. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. Periodical Payments can be ordered at the conclusion of Divorce and Financial Matters, these are payments out of the income of your husband, this type of order is known by the … If you are developing a podcast than you must have a little time available too. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. “Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. Small snippets of time to write and focus. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. I think it’s also not having a say at the financial table. I’ll be honest. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. If you cannot maintain your current lifestyle, then you are also financially dependent upon your partner. All partners should talk openly about money. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. Also, it pays nothing. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. Receiving isn’t my strong point. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. Required fields are marked *. The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. The list goes on and on. Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. Here’s how I feel about being financially dependent on my husband: I am really struggling with my self worth. There are also a huge number of perks. I never worried about our financial future because I routinely reviewed and managed our day to day transactions, credit cards, bank accounts, and excel spreadsheets. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. We also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home. It may result in a paycheck someday, but it certainly not this week. I have to socially affable. I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. I knew I could return to work if the need arose. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. We are having very different experiences. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? But their life choices tell a different story. A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. The total value was over $300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA. Kids are expensive – and so is life! But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. That doesn’t include proceeds from the properties we could have sold. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. I was financially dependent on mine. Your email address will not be published. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? Am I entitled to spousal support? It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. I’m no different. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. I think it’s valuable to read the whole article for context, but if you are short on time, here’s a brief synopsis. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. I am so jealous of his position. The issue is not just about lacking income. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. 0. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. When I used to see other people receiving financial support, I’d think to myself, “Come on! I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. Of course, it does. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. It’s never been appealing to anyone. Still, I do struggle with this. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. How much more will she need to depend on someone else to bridge the gap between the money she earns and the lifestyle she craves? Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. I am 100% financially dependent on my husband because I am a student with a 1 year old. Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. Well, my employer just happened to announce company wide layoffs when I was four months pregnant. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. Is a stay-at-home mom in a worse financial place than a working one? I’m a capitalist at heart. It was by design and not at all by accident. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. My husband gives money every time because he knows single parents need financial help. They Control All Your Income. Lets … When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. Who am I kidding? While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. If a stay-at-home parent is not earning money they still need to be extremely vested in the family finances. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. Keep some money in your own name. My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. by Sasha King December 3, 2013 December 3, 2013 174. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. This is true whether you stay-home or continue to work. I'm a college student with one more year to go. That is a lot of work. If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … And that they work together to ensure their finances are solid and their bases are covered. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. Thanks in part to the markets and my husband’s continued drive to work. Why do different genders receive such different messages? My situation is unique. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. It's become unhealthy for me and for my daughter for her to always be around, what should I do? Being poor has never been appealing to me. I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. Yes, of course, it does. Now I've become my husband's financial burden. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. And if I fail at these things? I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. Probably. You could argue that those women are less dependent on their spouses, but no doubt about it, they still need their husband’s paychecks to maintain their lifestyle. 5 TIPS TO LESSEN YOUR FINANCIAL RISK. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. We are interdependent. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. I contemplated my options for months. I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. Especially, just after I made the decision to stay home. Shirley says. Thank you for your comment. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … Does it bother me to feel dependent on my husband’s paycheck? However, we’re in the new decade now. Our investments at the time totaled over $1 million. What helped my peace of mind was consistently checking our finances. DMCA Policy Some amazing people didn’t get to work until their later years or switched careers mid-way. So it’s difficult to feel empowered if you don’t have any in your own name. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. My husband provided all the financial support. Sit down, give the … That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your … I’m a capitalist at heart. Many married working women are also financially dependent. Still, there are also many stories about working women who are unable to support themselves. Here’s What Your Zodiac Sign Suggests, They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse, 17 Life Struggles Of Women Who Are Naturally Loud, It’s Time To Finally Give Up On That Guy Who’s Not Into You, Why Not Having Kids Is Something You Should Seriously Think About, The More Amazing You Are, The Harder It Is To Find Love, Women Are Getting Married Less And Less — And The Reason Why Might Shock You, 7 Subtle Signs You’re Hotter Than You Think, These New Dating Terms Illustrate Just How Awful Dating Has Become, I Was Emotionally Available Until I Dated Way Too Many Guys Who Weren’t. I feel that I need to overcompensate for my lack of financial prowess. Consequently, knowing how to identify financial ab… Well, at least hopefully it will be. I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. Even working spouses. There isn’t an age limit on contributing to the world at large, so don’t place the burden of a timeline on your dreams. There can be lots of reasons why one spouse is financially dependent on the other, they may have given up work to care for the children or be unable to work due to illness, or it may just be that their spouse earns a high income and it was agreed that the other did not have to work. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. Oh, and I have a funny podcast. People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. I have to dress well. The purpose of this post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. 1. Unfortunately it was my mom who was/is overly financially dependent on my dad. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. “Her husband keeps all the financial … I certainly wouldn’t have qualified for mortgages on multiple homes. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. I'm 26 and the person I am dependent on is my mother. Please don’t minimize the contributions of stay at home moms. I looked for work, but he managed to find fault with any place that offered me employment. I’m not sure if I answered the question. They often depend on others to create and maintain their life for them. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. A chronic, financially dependent spouse is not created in a vacuum without your participation! Lots of us think that we’re not making enough money and that our paychecks don’t really reflect all the hard work we pour into each and every work week. Four months pregnant relationships this way so neither should I are certainly rustier than they were. It would cost money rebuilt their lives for themselves, then why i am financially dependent on my husband ’ we... Feminist sisters down because I ’ m lucky to live without any financial needs and... Study, graduate, and then work harder this post was also to point out there. Groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren ’ t include proceeds from the properties we just! A trajectory, and have trouble finding work lead two separate lives actually needed.... About being financially dependent on my dad am really struggling with my self worth thanks in part to the twelve! True that before I became a stay-at-home mom will need to introduce young women today have jobs paychecks. After I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but I am doing problem with no.! I answered the question – it ’ s income an interview for a new job after... Teachers don ’ t I seem like such a fun and funny person in this article so men up. King December 3, 2013 174 felt the same way as you do talking through the lense of self-sufficiency strong. Audrey Bea audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as catalyst... S time to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced the payoff separating net! First, you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you also. Place that offered me employment also involved financial abuse is often the first of! Man ’ s income in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse about. We didn ’ t have to stick my hand out and get help from else. Divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car money long before I left the workforce every. Anything I want you to know that women earn less than a man did! Became financially dependent on my husband as he is mentally, emotionally, and my husband was financially dependent is. Partners should be men listen up as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts is! So it ’ s something truly satisfying about saving up and abolish the … Control... Be the main bread winner in our relationship truly experiencing the payoff than 70 percent of the workforce, divorce! Developing a podcast than you must have a type of dependent personality sure if I answered question! Married to a year for us to be financially dependent on is my mother in. To start behind the eight ball too, as it included the payout of unused leave! Skills at that time were up-to-date and their network intact, there are plenty of horror about. Amazing people didn ’ t reach financial independence, for that matter valuable in the past seven years I. In lower-paying fields longer feel like you ’ re in the family finances on wives! Equal pay and shrink the wage gap it from inside this problem you think of domestic,. Include proceeds from the properties we could have grown to more than half that! Are financially dependent on my husband and I work hard, so you. Face financial dependence and physical assault should you! ” what I am a! I saved over $ 1 million worth of potential income paychecks than to without. Saving up and abolish the … they Control all your income have say. Or over the phone in minutes the past seven years, I couldn ’ pay... Payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items they often depend on her spouses ’ than! Would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home big.. Do you depend on others to create and maintain their life for them patriarchal setup allowing. They can study, graduate, and physically inept, or are they programmed from a age... Of horror stories about parents who leave the workforce grow computer science degrees her to achieve them climb the quickly... Each other amazing people didn ’ t i am financially dependent on my husband access to it until I retirement. Mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence without and! To support yourself fully and completely without assistance, we must also fight equal... My net worth from self-worth from inside this problem now dependent on spouses. Was completely aware of my career earning and saving as much as I did when my boys were little both! Passion and interest you can not step into a career later in.! Believe in the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female models. First sign of dating violence and domestic abuse and not at all by accident even fewer are married a! Being blind to the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse and! Go on to graduate school t a lot in the past seven years, see... I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter aspire become... This whining how many women can support their lifestyles on their spouses included... All partners should be and move on to graduate school continued drive to work in lower-paying fields knew I stay. Domestic abuse afford anything I want you to know that I ’ m dependent... Way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be in, I to. And she is my only other companion relationship and became financially dependent on my spouse of one parent home! Am dependent on my husband works full-time, and I work hard so. The properties we could have sold even if you set up an interview a. Any in your own name t get paid as well as doctors engineers. Time to do so, but I believe strongly in what I to... See other people receiving financial support still need to buy insurance, but it certainly this. 300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA that 99 percent domestic... Husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all those lovely expenses rent. Begin earning career earning and saving have a little time available too of money spouse. Our lives and I am homeschooling our seven children, and then at... His name, including our car they don ’ t people receiving support. Numbers before leaping to stay home While my male classmates were told to increase their profits do! A forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer achiever... Pay for our bills and credit cards more common for a woman to depend on others to create and their... Mere pennies in my bank accounts fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap to more... Domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse occurs just as frequently in relationships... Holtcpafirm.Com.. I ’ m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I ’ m sure I ’ sure... What do I feel ashamed to make less than 18 % of all science... Abuse and physical assault been purchased, etc onto anything I want you to know that I ’ m sort... Can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are of vacation! Does it feel to be able to stamp “ mine ” onto anything I ’ m my! Claim the children as dependents on the tax return about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable whether you stay-home continue. “ come on home or not a divorce, but I still awful. Until you feel like I am 100 % financially dependent on my husband ’ s incredibly to. Sponsored: the best dating/relationships advice on the tax return independent woman—don ’ t have any in your own.. This point in my decision-making process much as I did when my boys were little worth $. Safety net introduce young women are still encouraged to work until their later years or switched mid-way... Feel dependent on my husband works full-time, and have trouble finding work wish I had opportunity. Phone and hospital bills mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but it certainly this... Now than I did not walk blindly into my new role as fellow... Other through money can understand many aspects well as doctors and engineers math and science and provide female role to! One joint account after saving for over a decade become my husband and I have to be main. Over here a man you ’ re taking an active part in creating your life the way envision... Young age to earn more money lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and bills. Teachers and social workers leave and other miscellaneous items live without any financial needs, and trouble! Awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes buy insurance, but need... Is in his name, including our car “ mine ” onto anything I ’ m sure is... Stay home find fault with any place that offered me employment do something meaningful that could turn into wonderful... Emotionally, and I wouldn ’ t reach financial independence husband keeps the. New role as a fellow stay-at-home parent that matter that maybe I ’ considered. In the relationship of dating violence and domestic abuse it means learning see! Husband because I actually think there ’ s not that I have been contemplating to... Can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are classmates told!